Being There for Someone at the End of Life

When someone you love is approaching the end of life, you may feel that you need to know what to do.

You don’t need a special skill or the perfect words. Often the most important things are your time, your presence and your reassurance.

Simply being there

You can sit beside the person, hold their hand, talk to them or simply sit quietly.

Someone who is very sleepy or unconscious may still be able to hear. Familiar voices, music, memories and the presence of people they love can all be meaningful.

Helping with comfort

You can help by:

• Helping them find a comfortable position
• Holding their hand
• Helping with mouth comfort where appropriate
• Playing favourite music
• Bringing photographs or familiar belongings
• Keeping the environment calm
• Making sure important people or things are nearby where appropriate

The care team is responsible for clinical care. You do not need to provide medical care yourself.

What if they are no longer eating or drinking?

It can be very difficult for families when someone stops eating or drinking.

As someone approaches the end of life, appetite and thirst often reduce naturally. Food and drink can be offered while the person is able and wants to take them, but they should not be forced.

This is not a failure on your part.

Mouth care can help maintain comfort.

Should I keep talking?

Yes. Even if there is no response, you can continue talking to the person.

We cannot know exactly what someone can hear when they are very unwell, but hearing may remain when other responses have reduced.

You can tell them that you are there, that you love them and that they are safe.

It is okay to have difficult emotions

You may feel frightened, sad, angry, helpless or exhausted. You may even experience moments of relief.

There is no right way to feel.

Ask for help

If you are worried about pain, breathing, distress or discomfort, tell the care team.

Your observations and concerns matter.

If you are finding the experience overwhelming, Carentis also has guidance about looking after yourself and your family.

If caring responsibilities are becoming difficult, you may also find this Carentis guide helpful, as well as our guidance for carers who need a break.

The most important thing

You may remember this time for the rest of your life.

You don’t need to make every moment meaningful. You don’t need to say everything perfectly.

Sometimes the most important thing you can do is simply sit beside the person you love and let them know you are there.